As a mental health provider and parent, I've seen firsthand how the last few years have reshaped sibling dynamics in unique and sometimes challenging ways. The COVID-19 pandemic placed unexpected stress on sibling bonds. Many children have felt lost, grown up too fast, or regressed in their development, affecting their relationships with their siblings. While others may have created incredible bonds through their playtime together.
Much of the parenting conversation focuses on parent-child or peer-to-peer relationship, but the sibling bond is equally essential. Siblings often provide the longest-lasting family relationships, significantly impacting child and adult well-being. However, in our era of super-scheduled childhoods, these bonds can be neglected, with kids spending more time with classmates and teammates than their brothers or sisters. Here are some thoughts on navigating the summer with multiple kids at home. While not losing your mind!
Focus on Fun, Not Fighting
Neuroscience has proven that brains that fire together wire together. So siblings who play together bond together. They learn problem-solving, creativity, compassion, decision-making, and resilience (just to name a few) when they are lost in the art of playful imagination. Playful imagination is the single most important and additive activity that children can do together. As a play therapist, I can attest that it is both magical and desperately needed by all children today(no matter their age).
In our effort to enrich our children's lives, we've fallen into the trap of replacing free playtime with structured activities. While these activities can be beneficial, the stress of overscheduling often leads to heightened anxiety in both children and adults. It can lead to acting out behaviors caused by stress and overwhelm. Siblings who learn to play and co-regulate together neutralize that stress just by the nature of their relationships.
Siblings are each other’s main companions, and extended time together can mean that there are both challenges and opportunities. With fostering relationships and play in mind, let’s review our role as parents:
1. Facilitate Enjoyable Activities: This doesn’t mean plan and control everything they do. Instead, identify what activities your children enjoy together and create opportunities for them to do it. If board games lead to fights, hide them and put out cooperative games or crafts suitable for different skill levels. Encourage imaginative play and help children find common ground if necessary; however, they usually can work this out without you. I know kids decided to do science experiments with spices and colored liquids in the kitchen. Was it going to be messy? Yes. Was it going to be fun? Yes. Did I have to let go and let them have fun, giggle, and enjoy their time together? Yes.
2. Don’t Meddle: Give your kids space to play without constant parental supervision. Older kids can often be left alone to play together. Younger children might need you nearby to respond to a physical need. When they say, “I’m BORED,” this is the time to see what their creativity can come up with. Tell them, “I can’t wait to hear about the adventure you go on or what you decide to do.” Whining may begin, and they will move on. Give them a chance to engage those fantastic brains.
3. Respect Age Gaps: Acknowledge that older siblings, especially teens, may need time away from younger ones. Set aside sibling time and ensure older kids also have their own downtime. Older siblings may be watching younger siblings this summer, but this isn’t playtime; this time together needs to be purely for fun and connecting. Set up a schedule of alone and together time to help facilitate what they will be doing. My kids know that if they play together on Minecraft, they will have more time for tech and with each other. The problem-solving and navigating of social dynamics when they are on Minecraft together is fascinating to watch from the sidelines.
Managing Conflicts and Emotional Health
Sibling rivalry can be a great opportunity for children to learn to manage aggression, behaviors, and emotions. However, without the regular breaks that school provides, parents may need to step in and be proactive so emotions aren’t consistently boiling over.
1. Ensure Alone Time: Each child should have time alone daily. This space is crucial for emotional health and can prevent siblings from venting their frustrations to each other. You can create a rule in the house that if the door is closed, a sibling has to knock and be invited in so each child feels autonomy. In shared spaces, this may mean that one kid at a time owns the space or that they spend time outside with a parent or family member without the presence of the others. Get creative; build forts and give them supplies for “Keep Out” signs.
2. Dedicated One-on-One Time: Spend individual time with each child daily, even if it’s just 15 minutes. This helps them feel valued, provides a safe space to discuss sibling issues, and they can tell you about the amazing stories/adventures they went on together. It also keeps you in the know!
3. Reflective Listening: Listen to your child’s complaints when conflicts arise without immediately pushing solutions. Reflect their feelings back to them, and help them feel heard and understood. Let them state they need you to solve a problem (don’t assume) and if a solution is requested, start with: “I wonder what solutions you have come up with,” “I wonder what has been tried already.” These phrases let them know you heard them and expect them to learn to problem-solve.
Lowering Expectations and Prioritizing Emotional Health
In these demanding times, lowering expectations and being gentle with yourself as a parent is crucial. While routines are important, your family’s emotional health takes precedence.
1. Prioritize Fun and Connection: Allow your children time to play and be silly together. This strengthens their bond and promotes a happy household. Let the mess go!
2. Be a Steward of Imagination: Foster creativity and play rather than focusing solely on academic tasks. Your role in encouraging fun is vital for your children’s emotional well-being.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I've seen my children become allies, friends, and co-conspirators. Their bond is unique, shaped by shared experiences within our family. We can help our children navigate this stressful era with resilience and love by fostering these connections that will often be their longest-lasting relationship.
Let’s Not Forget About Safety
It’s important to acknowledge that not all siblings are good playmates. Sometimes, age gaps, personality differences, neuro differences, the process of blending families, etc.… are not always conducive to long summers spent playing together. Please trust yourself, your knowledge of your children, and your specific family situations, and reach out for support when needed.
Amy’s Book Recommendations:
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (and Listen So Kids Will Talk)
This is a well-loved parenting book by authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Filled with practical advice the authors tackle the basics of relationship building with your children to ideas to handle specific challenges with parenting. It’s an engaging book that supports many of the skills we use as Play Therapists.
Gregor the Overlander (9+)
This is one of my favorite kid’s series that I feel no one has read. This series by Suzanne Collins (the author of Hunger Games), follows a young boy who has accidentally discovered an entire society of humans that live under the laundry room of his apartment building. Gregor, finds himself in the middle of brewing tensions between powerful entities and unable to return home without help from the society who believes he’s the center figure of a prophecy that determines the fate of the Underland. Gregor finds out that sometimes, the difference between being completely ordinary and extraordinary is where you are and the opportunities you have.
This blog is part of the Summer of Connection program from Playful Wisdom. You can find more information and videos here.
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